Working Out This Winter

I think I am going to go crazy this winter. When it is too cold, wet and ugly to go out, what will there be to do? Today I was beside myself with angst. There was nothing online that was interesting enough, not even a game to play that piqued my interest. My art work seemed tedious and I got no pleasure from it. No movie interested me and the one I managed to find on cable made me cry. Dreamgirls made me cry because I could identify so well with Jennifer Hudson’s character. She had an okay face, a great personality and seemed like such a sweet girl but her FATness caused problems. She even lost her man to Beyonce’s “bony ass.” I actually cried and tequila played no part. She just wanted to be loved and her FATness was the first thing you saw about her.

I ordered a bike that is going to help me get into the shape I have always wanted and I plan to look good by March. I waited and waited and waited for weeks for that bike then I called two days ago to track it and they said there was no record of the order. I HATE giving out any credit card information to strangers but sometimes you have to in order to buy stuff and you just have to have faith that things will go as honestly and as right as they should. So I call, and there was no record and my first thought was, “Well, why did I spend so long with Shantiqua giving her my vital information then listening to her repeat it to make sure she got it right? What the hell is Shantiqua gonna buy for Shaunte with my credit card numbers?” We checked the statement and nothing was amiss but I had to order it all over again and now I have to wait five more long weeks. Now it will be here just in time for the cold and rain.

I have been somewhat in shape a few times in my life. When I have an important event I want to look great for, I can do it. I did turn every head in the place once when I tried for months to look good for an event that involved my husband’s work. I worked my ass off, literally with dieting and situps and exercising. Then, I turned all these heads and we went home and I ate sour cream on my taco. That was it. Apparently, you have to have more than one event going on if you want to look fabulous all the time. I looked good for my wedding a few months ago. Pulleys, smoke and mirrors were involved but it worked. No, that was for real; I worked for that. I was starting to wear really nice pants and tops and feeling really good. I look at these guys on the Internet that have transformed themselves in 90 days and wonder, does it really change your life? I mean, it is actually just your size, but it is everything to some people and I suppose not a minute goes by in my day where I am not thinking about my own weight and where I should be and what I want to look like. I wonder if other people are so dissatisfied with themselves forever or if it is just women who are dissatisfied with their looks because they don’t look like models.  I am going to eat soup now and all week to see if I can maintain the ten pounds I lost with that bird or monkey flu or whatever that bug was two weeks ago. It has taken that long to feel better. I will never forget that third day when I was coming in from the living room and my knees buckled and I fell. I had NEVER experienced that sober. WTH was that? Falling? In the daytime? I called out to my husband and he answered, “What?” I thought, “What? I am like dying over here, genius, and you ask ‘What?” I am dying and you want me to elaborate?” I thought. So I figured I would just be totally quiet and let him wonder what was wrong, then come see what was wrong… but he didn’t come, didn’t investigate. Then I realized how married we must be and I had to yell at him to “Come here!” I hate that. When you are dating a man, he will open the car door for you, pull out your chair and all that chivalrous stuff and then once you are theirs and tied down, you get to help change the tire, or help install a muffler or hang and dress a deer.

I was teaching the difference between IDOL this past week and IDLE and I used my mom as an example of someone you look up to. This girl asked, “You look up to your mother?” with a shocked look on her face like it was unheard of. “Of course,” I said, “she was wise, pious, and such a wonderful and interesting person. I will never meet a woman like her again.” The students were shocked, SHOCKED that someone would look up to their parent like that. Well, we all get smarter as we get older. Some of us do.

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