Working Out This Winter

November 17, 2008

I think I am going to go crazy this winter. When it is too cold, wet and ugly to go out, what will there be to do? Today I was beside myself with angst. There was nothing online that was interesting enough, not even a game to play that piqued my interest. My art work seemed tedious and I got no pleasure from it. No movie interested me and the one I managed to find on cable made me cry. Dreamgirls made me cry because I could identify so well with Jennifer Hudson’s character. She had an okay face, a great personality and seemed like such a sweet girl but her FATness caused problems. She even lost her man to Beyonce’s “bony ass.” I actually cried and tequila played no part. She just wanted to be loved and her FATness was the first thing you saw about her.

I ordered a bike that is going to help me get into the shape I have always wanted and I plan to look good by March. I waited and waited and waited for weeks for that bike then I called two days ago to track it and they said there was no record of the order. I HATE giving out any credit card information to strangers but sometimes you have to in order to buy stuff and you just have to have faith that things will go as honestly and as right as they should. So I call, and there was no record and my first thought was, “Well, why did I spend so long with Shantiqua giving her my vital information then listening to her repeat it to make sure she got it right? What the hell is Shantiqua gonna buy for Shaunte with my credit card numbers?” We checked the statement and nothing was amiss but I had to order it all over again and now I have to wait five more long weeks. Now it will be here just in time for the cold and rain.

I have been somewhat in shape a few times in my life. When I have an important event I want to look great for, I can do it. I did turn every head in the place once when I tried for months to look good for an event that involved my husband’s work. I worked my ass off, literally with dieting and situps and exercising. Then, I turned all these heads and we went home and I ate sour cream on my taco. That was it. Apparently, you have to have more than one event going on if you want to look fabulous all the time. I looked good for my wedding a few months ago. Pulleys, smoke and mirrors were involved but it worked. No, that was for real; I worked for that. I was starting to wear really nice pants and tops and feeling really good. I look at these guys on the Internet that have transformed themselves in 90 days and wonder, does it really change your life? I mean, it is actually just your size, but it is everything to some people and I suppose not a minute goes by in my day where I am not thinking about my own weight and where I should be and what I want to look like. I wonder if other people are so dissatisfied with themselves forever or if it is just women who are dissatisfied with their looks because they don’t look like models.  I am going to eat soup now and all week to see if I can maintain the ten pounds I lost with that bird or monkey flu or whatever that bug was two weeks ago. It has taken that long to feel better. I will never forget that third day when I was coming in from the living room and my knees buckled and I fell. I had NEVER experienced that sober. WTH was that? Falling? In the daytime? I called out to my husband and he answered, “What?” I thought, “What? I am like dying over here, genius, and you ask ‘What?” I am dying and you want me to elaborate?” I thought. So I figured I would just be totally quiet and let him wonder what was wrong, then come see what was wrong… but he didn’t come, didn’t investigate. Then I realized how married we must be and I had to yell at him to “Come here!” I hate that. When you are dating a man, he will open the car door for you, pull out your chair and all that chivalrous stuff and then once you are theirs and tied down, you get to help change the tire, or help install a muffler or hang and dress a deer.

I was teaching the difference between IDOL this past week and IDLE and I used my mom as an example of someone you look up to. This girl asked, “You look up to your mother?” with a shocked look on her face like it was unheard of. “Of course,” I said, “she was wise, pious, and such a wonderful and interesting person. I will never meet a woman like her again.” The students were shocked, SHOCKED that someone would look up to their parent like that. Well, we all get smarter as we get older. Some of us do.

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Dieting

November 9, 2008

My sister just called. She has lost ten pounds on the Atkins diet. You can eat alot on that diet so I said I would try it. The theory behind it is : your body burns carbohydrates, restrict carbohydrates and your body must turn to its fat reserves when it needs energy. You can eat LOTS so I decided to go for it except this morning, my daughter made pancakes… and bacon. Then for dinner, my husband surprised me with making a pot of chili… with beans and crackers. So much for no carbohydrates today.

I am so tired of all the guilt with everything I eat. I have NEVER been satisfied with how much I weigh, even when I manage to whittle it down to something I can say in public, very quietly, though, to another fat girl. I bought some energy in a bottle, “Guaranteed to lose 36 lbs in 6 weeks,” the bottle said. Well, that worked for like a day. Now it’s like I’d have to eat a box of them to get an effect. Nothing works except constant deprivation, exercise, and rewarding yourself with fruit. Everything sugar-free costs at least double of what the cheap sugar-laden stuff costs. That is the problem with diets. You have to go out of your way to get the special food. One Winter Texan told me they had to go to the neighboring town 70 miles round trip for her Jenny Craig food. I am afraid I am going to turn out like that girl from Cheers, Kirstie Alley, strategically placing her purse and vases on her Pier One and Jenny Craig commercials to hide her body. All they focused on was her face and eyes, in those commercials.

They used to call me Kirstie Alley in high school, because of our similar eyebrows. Then when I had my daughter, everyone used to mention that SHE looked like Kirstie with her blue eyes and beautiful eyebrows. Now if anyone tells me I look like her, I would not eat for a week. I am getting my Trikke any one of these weeks. I cannot wait. I hope it gets here before the cold, ugly, nasty weather. I believe I am an enigma… somebody still not moved enough by all the sunshine and great weather to go surfing or bodykiting or whatever the hell is new now. There is body surfing and body skimming, how about I invent bodyleaving and leave it the hell alone? That would be great, if we could just leave it the hell alone and look good. For now I am just going to get a popsicle and go surfing. Channel surfing. That is all I feel like doing right now. They say we have the highest incidence of diabetes in the nation down here in the valley. We probably do. I am a good cook, Mexicans have a diet high in starches, fats, sugars and all that is good, and we are so lazy sometimes we wouldn’t get up off a railroad track if the train was coming. THAT is why so many Mexicans get killed on train tracks all the time. It is not because they are lulled to sleep by the vibrations as is theorized. It is cuz we are so hungover we would rather risk having the train pass over than get our lazy asses up off the tracks. How do you think they got to sleeping on the tracks anyway? Tequila. Water from the gods.  I’d better go. I need to rest. This cold is getting me delirious. I have lost six pounds twice this week and have not gained it back for the second time.

Before I go, WTH was that? I lost six pounds in two days, eat a cracker the third day and the six pounds is back. Ok, it wasn’t a cracker, it was a meal, but WTH was that? Reminds me of Oprah when she lost that wagonload of lard, ate a burger and put it all back on. Man, life is really messed up for some of us. Damn, skinny-ass models walking around, ruining it for the rest of us. I’m gonna go lay down and dream of ice cream and fried.. whatever.. I don’t care as long as it’s fried. Probably fried ice cream, leave it to me to come up with it, too. God help me.